Most of the time, I don’t believe in Astrology. Sure, I’ll check my horoscope the day after to see if it came true, or I’ll do a pairing of “Am I compatible?” but I don’t put much stock into it. I don’t know that I believe the day I was born and the month and the position of the planets changes who I am as a person. Perhaps it does and I just don’t get it. And I can read a description of a Pisces and find something that’s true, or of Cancer, or Sagittarius…. And I’m a Gemini.

Having said all of that, sometimes–I wonder. I wonder if it doesn’t play a part in my life or that maybe I just so happened to be born under the Twins as a coincidence. (I don’t believe in coincidences.) I say this because there are so many sides to me, and none of them line up.

Sometimes I don’t know what life path I should have chosen. You see, coming out of college, there were two “me”s. There was the me who wanted to come back to Maryland and settle down, who wanted to write books and live a domestic life, who wanted to dream big and have a career.

Then there was her. You hear me talk about her sometimes, and I miss her very much. You may have heard me say that I have different personalities depending on the language I speak–and it’s true (there’s those naughty multi-personality twins again!). I wish you could meet this “her.” She’s lively and much less shy, much less bashful. She speaks Portuguese and could have gotten a job in Brazil. At the very least, she would have stayed in Pittsburgh and gotten a job translating and, eventually, living in Brazil or at least visiting often. You see, she gets shivers up her spine and a warm feeling in her heart just to think of living in Brazil. I know because I can feel them now.

But when I graduated I had to make a choice. Brazil/Pittsburgh or Maryland. Obviously, I chose to come home.

Do I regret it?

In some ways, yes. I don’t regret coming home and I certainly don’t regret the life I have. But I regret not trying to apply to a great job. Regret may even be a strong word, and not trying too harsh of a judgement. You see, because I didn’t not try. I just made a choice to go with Her #1.

It’s hard, I think. Having these two conflicted souls inside you that just won’t mix. These two life paths that you know you have to walk away from one to choose the other. Can I still speak Portuguese? Mostly. Could I visit Brazil? Of course. Could I still try to get a translation job? Yes, but it would be hard. I can still visit Pittsburgh, I still get excited when I meet Brazilians, and I still love their culture.

But it’s not the same and the two lives are too different to merge.

So that is what I live with. And as I get further down this first path I realize–that’s not it. Apparently I’m riddled with dual parts, sometimes that I find hard to reconcile. The perfect example:

I tend to walk into work in dresses (preferred outfit) with cowgirl boots and Carhartt jackets. I can analyze data and write design documents, and then struggle to realize the workplace is probably not the place to talk about my chickens and 5-year farm plan. I can go to a bonfire and hang out with all of my friends, only to find out that their dad’s or mom’s are surprised when I say I’m a technical writer.

It’s all these things. All these things that make me wonder: Where should I be?

Well, I like where I am. I’m working for changes, to exercise more and write more and farm our acre and to make this life I’ve chosen the most it can be. But that doesn’t change the fact that there’s multiple “Me”s and sometimes I miss the other version.

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